This is it. This month is my(our) final chance to fall pregnant without assistance. At the end of this cycle, I will be starting on birth control in preparation for IVF in August. It represents the end of over three years of living my life in an endless stream of 2 week segments. No more, “4 days until ovulation....” or “8 days post ovulation...”. No more tears when my period starts. It’s the end of constant wondering, planning around “what if”, constant hope. Goodbye to all of that.
Of course with endings come new opportunities and new beginnings. The beginning of the process that gives us a better chance of becoming parents than we have on our own. I’m swinging between excitement and hopelessness and aloofness...if that’s a word...I think I mean trying not to care too much. I’ve decided that it’s emotionally safer for me if we go into this pretty sure it won’t work the first time. I know that it does for many people, but I’m not ready to think it will happen for us; I have hope burn out. I ran this by Gregg and it turns out we’re on the same page. Screw hope!
Also, I’m waffling on the eSET thing. (the elective single embryo transfer). I’m looking forward to running it by Dr. B in 2 weeks. Twin pregnancy scares me but twin parenting seems okay. So, I’m on the fence again about this.
I plan on having more to write about shortly as we have more frequent appointments coming up. Next week is our mandatory therapy session. I’m nervous about this as I am a crier. I fully expect sobbing and this embarrasses me. I’m pretty sure that it’s just to make sure that we won’t commit suicide if IVF fails. I think what I’ll do is show the therapist my list of things I plan on doing to make myself feel better in the first years after we find out we can’t be parents. Here it is in pretty much the correct order:
Purchase antique diamond earrings the size of large pencil erasers.
Take a 3-4 week trip to Europe...I’m thinking Provence, Barcelona, Lake Como, Italy.
Trade in the Mini for a new one or a Volvo c30
Move out of Florida. Likely to Maine or Oregon. Maybe NC. If we don't move, go solar.
Work part time while I return to more focused Yoga.
Participate in international child health ‘missions’.
Change careers or get a PhD.
Actually, I like to think I’ll do these things (or have these things...) even if we do become parents or never leave FL. Right now though, I’m using the list of objects and experiences to make myself feel better NOW about a potentially childless life. I, obviously, have no qualms about using material goods to make myself feel better about big disappointment.
Anyway...here’s a future flower. All pictures are my own of my own flowers. Happy day!
