troof

it’s hard to understate how emotional this process has been for me in particular.  gregg seems to be taking this ivf stuff in stride, very practical, no tears.  the way he sees it, we’re fertile, there is this one simple mechanical problem that can be circumvented, and that’s that.  

the way i see it varies.  currently, i’m feeling sort of dark and conflicted.  i’m wondering if this situation has any meaning, and if it does, what is it? for gregg, there is no need to wonder what it means. but i can’t seem to help feeling alternately punished then lucky...i mean, is having children a blessing or a curse?  does being infertile mean i am less of a human? or superhuman? too good for parenting or not good enough? is this a test? am i supposed to take this as a hint from the universe? is this something i’m supposed to “overcome” or “battle through” to learn some sort of life lesson? what if moving forward will become the worst decision we have ever made? what if i don’t want an f’n life lesson!?! 

we’ve been heavily into battlestar gallactica, so of course, having this problem makes us feel like cylons.  can’t conceive without assistance from humans.  

we do not feel that parenting is the be all and end all of adult life.  so, yes, we do fantasize, sometimes a bit giddily, about never having to raise our own children.  we work with children 50 hours a week.  we see enough of them.  we laugh, we cry, we get horrified, amazed, outraged.  we’re glad to come home in the evenings and not have to deal with more children.  we might be a bit jaded about having children around.  i wonder what i would do if i never had children...and i’m not unhappy. 

if the above, then why do i continue in pursuit of this goal? well, i’ve got momentum for one thing. i’ve been trying to have a baby for years now. years.  it’s not exactly exciting anymore, it’s a habit.  i’m trying to get re-excited now that we have a plan, but it’s hard.  it’s hard because at the end of this plan, we still may not have a child in spite of intense effort and large expense.  or we may have twins.  or we may have twins born prematurely with severe developmental problems. or we could get pregnant and lose the baby.  okay, i guess my main emotion right now is not just darkness, it’s abject terror.  fear of a bad outcome.  not so much fear of failure, because i think that i can live without ever being a parent and 15 grand poorer...but fear of success. 

it’s definitely not an entitlement thing.  I’ve examined my thoughts on this enough to know that i don’t feel entitled to parenthood just because we’re middle class etc...

then there is this human imperative...to reproduce...at any cost...we’re acutely aware of this right now.   it’s probably the real and truest reason we’re proceeding with ivf.  

and then there’s the gregg’s an only child thing.  if gregg doesn’t reproduce, that’s it.  end of the line.  actually, come to think of it, i’m the only child of my parents.  

i know i will get beyond this.  i can’t wait to. making babies, no matter how it’s achieved, is a crap shoot. you just never know what the hell will happen. so there’s no point in worrying, as usual...and if anyone is wondering, yes, we are mandated to have therapy prior to ivf.  there is no question why...