case in point

i have discovered a gazillion great blogs that i read pretty obsessively nearly every day in an attempt to normalize my experience and i finally figured out how to list a few in the right margin.  i have to be honest though: the real reason i finally listed them is that something that i was just writing about happened to one of the couples whose journey i've been following... their twins turned into triplets. and i just wanted to say SEEE!!! it happens!!! really!!!  (it's the "tubeless in seattle" blog, click the link and read for yo-self). 

complementary my dear watson

ah so.  we’ve decided to prepare ourselves for ivf, or the stress inherent therein, by having acupuncture done to us.  according to chinese medicine, we should do this for several months prior to conception attempts to help our bodies achieve homeostasis. 

today we each had our first session with Dr. D.  neither of us has ever tried acupuncture before today, so we were each curious about how this experience would pan out.  it was great.  Dr. D reminds me of a nice, less creepy version of johnny depp’s willy wonka.  interestingly, he also drives a white mini (there are only 3 minis in town).  he said, whilst comparing white minis, “you mean, i don’t have to pay 600 f’n dollars for runflats?!”  in that moment, i learned something new about myself: an acupuncturist who drops f-bombs is right up my alley.  

so, of course, gregg is perfect. strong qi (chi or life energy). after feeling my pulse Dr. D determined that i’m severely heart qi and spleen qi deficient and a little liver qi deficient.  i’m not sure what this means, but i’m not supposed to let my feet get cold EVER AGAIN, and i have to stop allowing people (read: patients) to take over my qi, or something.  apparently acupuncture will fix these things and after today, i’m inclined to believe it.  actually, he told me he knew my feet were always cold after he looked at my tongue. 

anyway, the needles went in, i rested, and felt pretty good after.  okay, i felt drunk.  Dr. D laughed when i said that i felt minty in my abdominal region.  gregg, who is skeptical as a rule, says he felt energy swirling in his palms.  Dr. D said that my feet are my womb and my ears are upside-down fetuses. cool.  we’re going back in ten days. 

overly planned parenthood

an entry within which we reveal THE PLAN...

but first...

i’ve taken on a student at work, i’ll call her K.  i just met K last week and i like her a lot.  we have a lot in common it turns out.  turns out, she’s a fellow infertile person.  3 years ago, she went through IVF and had twin boys on her first try.  being the slightly mystical person that i am, i cannot really stop myself from feeling and saying out loud that the universe sent her to me.  she’s my first student and i actually agreed to take her on just as we realized we would have to go through IVF to become parents.  IVF buddy needed, IVF buddy appears.  serendipity. 

at first, i thought “oh! thank you universe for sending me this person as a message that IVF can work on the first try!”.  then she told me some scary, scary stuff. being pregnant with twins, she was put on strict bed rest 5 months into her pregnancy. this eliminated half of the family income for 2 months prior to delivery.  then, the babies were born at 33 weeks (about 2 months early).  as a result they were in the neonatal intensive care unit for a couple of weeks with feeding and breathing tubes to keep them alive.  then, when they went home, they had to be on apnea monitors (these alarm when babies stop breathing, something premature babies just love to do).  being a pediatric nurse practitioner, i already knew this about premies.  actually having a peer who has experienced this made it even scarier.  but the scariest part? the part that makes me want to barf? the part that makes me sweat? the bill.  the take home, not covered by insurance part... $150,000. one hundred and fifty thousand dollars. yes. K paid it off in 2 years somehow.  i'm not interested in attempting that.

in K’s tale i saw a reinforcement of something i had been thinking since this began...that i don’t want twins.  i’ve never felt twins were exciting or fun.  as a pediatric NP, i see how early they arrive, how sick they can be and now, how much they can cost.  luckily, K’s boys are not developmentally delayed neither do they have cerebral palsy, but many i see are just a mess.

so, after some research and serious, agonizing contemplation, we’ve decided to do what’s called an “elective single embryo transfer” or eSET.  this is done increasingly as more is understood about the IVF process.  it turns out that putting in two embryos yields no higher chance of pregnancy than putting in one.  it used to when the IVF thing was new and poorly understood and they didn't have the hormonal control thing down.   K had 3 implanted because her doctor in jacksonville would not allow fewer at the time.  our doctor in gainesville likes 2.  he knows that we work in pediatrics and are familiar with the risks of multiples and did say 1 was an option.  

interestingly, the very process of IVF apparently leads to more identical twinning, especially if  something called “assisted hatching” is used to crack open the shell of the embryo so that it implants more easily.  we will likely not need this during our first attempt.  it is usually reserved for couples who have failed IVF repeatedly...i don’t even want to think about that.  my point is that even implanting 1 embryo, we may end up with twins. if we implant 2, we may end up with triplets or quadruplets.  no thank you very much.  

so eSET it is.  if i hadn't acknowledged my fear of twins, i would say that this is a 100% rational decision.

we’re shooting for august by the way. beyond that? we’re hoping to have embryos left over to freeze for further attempts if needed.  if our first round fails (which is more likely than success, bye-bye money) we will attempt a frozen embryo transfer maybe once.  if both the fresh and the frozen cycle fail,  i’m not sure what will be next.  right now, i think if we find ourselves in that situation next year, we will simply stop.  it’s crazy to me that all will be decided a year from now. we will be parents, or pregnant, or possibly forever childless.  i’m truly not interested in adoption at this point.  maybe i would be later.  at this point, i'm equally excited about becoming a mother as i am about never becoming a mother. 

i'm reading a lot of books right now, something i plan on writing about in future posts.  but i just wanted to say that today i did not purchase Children of Men.  i did read the first two pages in the book shop, but i consciously put it down because of the infertility thing. 

demeter laughs

okay, i feel better.  i’m now at the point where ivf is just another medical procedure in a medium sized list of procedures.  i’m annoyed but semi-hopeful. 

i’ve always identified with the goddess persephone for some reason.  but i think that infertility might be more a demeter journey.  demeter is persephone’s mother.  when persephone is lost, demeter searches tirelessly for her.  her resources are spent, hope is dead, her mood is dark, the world is bleak.  then, one day on the journey, someone makes her laugh and she is renewed.  [an aside: the one that makes her laugh is a crone, thought to be another, older incarnation of demeter herself.  the crone makes demeter laugh by flashing her va-jay-jay]. 

the messages i see in this are 1) one can easily become single minded to the point of despair in pursuit of a child therefore 2) i’ve got to lighten up. so i have. 

spring is so nice in florida.  a hopeful time for sure.