16 weeks

The stand out thing about my 2009 was that I missed it. It passed in one, long, blurry moment. I barely noticed the seasons. Every waking moment was about IVF. I'm sure many know what I mean.

I realized today that I didn't really post the final results of our nuchal translucency scan which I received about 2 weeks ago. They are disturbing in restrospect not because of my results, which are "phenomenal" per Jill the geneticist (yay!), but because of what my basic odds were before the tests.

Apparently, a woman my age (33 years) has a standard 1:430 chance of having a child with Downs Syndrome (trisomy 21). Seems like a low risk right? After my test, our risk is 1:8,041. Holy cow, it was what before?! The basic trisomy 13 and trisomy 18 risk is 1: 727, sounds okay! After more thorough testing, our risk plummeted to 1: 14,521. This just seems amazing to me. I wish they could test for more genetic stuff, because while this is great, there are so many other syndromes.

We have 12 days to go before we learn the genders of the babies and I'm getting really antsy. I have not purchased the pee in a cup gender test but I did gaze upon it the other day, highly tempted. Then I put it down and bought some super cute gender-neutral froggy sleepers instead.

I got a couple of excellent books that I want to talk about next week. Right now the 30 rock marathon is on and I just have to focus on that. I love that show.

15 weeks

Luckily, we've had an uneventful week. Christmas was sort of a non-event for us because I'm on call for the day and Gregg is on call for the weekend. I've been doing a lot of laying around taking phone calls. At least one family that I saw yesterday spent the night in the emergency room with their two year old who had stuffed a french fry so far up her nose that I couldn't safely remove it. While I laughed, her parents did not. Quite an uncomfortable moment. They will laugh about it someday. Working with children all day, every day, I know how frustrating they can be, but I do a lot of laughing at things kids do and say (a classic conversation: "what is these dots on you face?" my response, "I bought them for decoration." child's very serious response, "hmph. so they washable?"). I hope my laughter is not because I'm not a parent yet. I hope I will still find children funny after caring for them for 24 hours a day rather than just 10-12.

We've started thinking about baby gear lately. Prior to imminent parenthood, you might over hear me saying things like, "I will never buy a $700 stroller, Never, never, never" while shaking my head in amazement at the folly of new parents. I felt emboldened by some article that said how much money you could make over the years by investing $700 in some other way.

Then, ummm, we started researching strollers...and, errr, ummm,...it turns out we're $700 stroller people. How does this happen? Okay, first of all, we live on a 13 acre homestead and need a stroller that can manage our long grass and dirt paths with ease (and I need to be able to rinse chicken poop off of it with a garden hose). This puts us in the $500 range right off the bat. Secondly, one of our cars is very small and no stroller will fit into the trunk other than the one we have our eyes on, especially not a twin stroller. Thirdly, well, strollers need to be versatile. As my cousin pointed out, you could end up with one for each situation. Our living space just couldn't accommodate more than one stroller. Also, they have to be easy on the eyes, light, and manageable. Also, we're having twins, if I didn't already mention it, which I did. One $700 stroller, coming right up.

While Gregg initially balked, (I mean, who in their right mind wouldn't initially barf at that price?), when he actually saw one belonging to a friend in person, his eyes went wide with desire and a thin rope of spittle leaked out from the corner of his mouth as he said, "wow, look at those welds!" and I knew he would be shelling out the big bucks. As he aptly pointed out, it's like buying a really nice mountain or road cycle. I cannot find a used one on ebay or Craigslist, so I know this particular stroller is not given up easily, a good sign in terms of longevity, ease of use, design, blah blah blah, and the company is environmentally conscious it seems, so that's nice.

Come to think of it, it's been at least a decade since the dawn of the $700 stroller and the associated stroller wars and media outrage, so I guess we're not too bad on the conspicuous consumption front. There is plenty of $700 stroller guilt amongst my peers, a pathologically guilt-ridden generation if you ask me. I could go on about this and whose fault that is, but I won't.

And so you will now overhear me saying, "I will never, never, never buy a $1200 stroller. Never, never, never". They're out there. They exist. I've seen them. Can you believe anyone would buy a $1200 stroller?

I am just reminded about how many times I said to myself that I would never do IVF. Will she ever learn?

14 weeks

Well, just when we thought, "oh wow, this pregnancy is going great!", we hit some bumps in the road.  Before I continue, I want to say that all is well with me and the babes and I didn't want to share our experience this week until I knew that everyone was okay.  Last weekend I woke up with the familiar feeling of fluid leaking from my nether regions.  I turned on the light to find a moderate amount of bright red blood and freaked the eff out.  Gregg's hair turned white.  No it didn't, but he freaked the eff out with me.  I am so happy that I bought the doppler because it reassured us instantly with 2 strong heartbeats.  I wasn't having any cramping which was also reassuring.  I looked at my OB new patient packet for guidance and found none so we went straight to the ER, a lovely recently remodeled facility, where we got a room with a flat screened TV within an hour.  In retrospect, both of us agree that we will try not to go the ER again in this situation.  It was sort of dumb.  While we got an ultrasound and saw our bouncing babies and good heartbeats, the doc knew nothing about ultrasonography for pregnant women.  He did the ultrasound, but didn't look at the placentas, probably because he didn't know how to interpret what he saw.  He checked my HCG level which, duh, was high, but means nothing as a single value.  He did call OB, but they weren't too impressed with the situation so we just went home.  It was a little disappointing given that we have this "high risk" label.  But we know that there is nothing that can be done for us if something goes wrong right now anyway.  The bleeding stopped and I went to see Dr. R on Tuesday who saw on ultrasound that I have a mild "marginal placenta previa" which means that a small edge of one placenta has edged over my cervix.  He also saw a small crop of tiny hemorrhages next to my cervix.  He was incredibly reassuring, saying that neither of these things is worrisome but that if we had intercourse, I would probably bleed.  Both issues are very common and should resolve by themselves in a few weeks.  

Great. Fine.  Wonderful even!

Until Thursday when I began bleeding heavily, once again without cramping or clotting.  I was sent home where, again, I heard two strong heartbeats.  Dr. R said it's a ruptured blood vessel related to the placental issue and I am now on a brief stint of bed rest.  Just 4 days.  The bleeding has slowed waaay down.  Dr. R was like, "no intercourse!!!".  I was like, "you couldn't order me to have intercourse right now or for the rest of this pregnancy", which got a genuine laugh.  I mean, Gregg and I have done a lot of clinging to each other like Hansel and Gretel in the woods, wide eyed and teary, but no, ahem, other stuff.  Do pregnant couples post IVF even have sex? 

This was enough for us, really.  Totally enough panic for one pregnancy.  But of course the universe blessed me this week with other stupid health issues on top of the above.  I have bronchitis or something and I am coughing my head off and my lungs out, which thankfully doesn't seem to lead to gushes of blood.  I also do not have a fever which I would hate but the cough is just hideous.  The babies kick me after I cough, so it's paradoxically reassuring.  

Just when I thought bleeding and coughing were just about all I could take...last night, at midnight, my body decided it was time for some vomiting.  Fabulous.  This does not seem to be related to my cough and I don't feel like a sick, infected person.  No watery poo.  No stomach pain.  No fever.  Not a viral infection.  Totally cheerful, painless vomiting.  We could not figure this out...I am 14 weeks pregnant and have not vomited once before this (which folks seem to find amazing, but is pretty common)...but our only explanation for the vomiting was...get this...that I am pregnant.  

Gregg said, "honey, you can have bleeding OR bronchitis OR vomiting, but not all three at once &%$#".  I'm hoping that the reason all three are at once is that I am super efficient.  Great! 3 problems in one week, that means I won't have any more!  I am hoping and yet dreading that the vomiting is simply pregnancy related.  If it's not, it means I'm ill.  If it is, it might continue, which would suck.  I'm already mourning my "no pregnancy vomiting" glory, and I would hate to have 2nd trimester morning sickness, when I need to gain the most weight.

I think we have coped pretty well this week, considering.  Gregg has been my hero, his love is palpable.  I'm sure many husbands just totally tune out.  Gregg is tuned waaay in, but after witnessing his stress, I can't say I could blame him if he decided to buy that ticket for a 6 month vacation.  I can't help but wonder if we would have been less terrified if our emotional resources weren't already sort of low from the IVF process.  We were really just feeling truly comfortable with the pregnancy.  I was planning to start my official prenatal strength training program (aka yoga) on the Saturday of the ER trip.  

I'm so glad I just have to sit in bed today.  That's my entire job.  Laptop, internet, knitting, sleeping and hopefully not bleeding or vomiting, but likely some nasty coughing.

My inner mantra this week has been, "I think I can, I think I can", like the little engine that could.  Our message to the babies is, "we believe in you".  We believe in you.  

We're all okay here. Promise.

13 weeks

While we're not exactly in the second trimester, we can see it from the doorstep, so to speak.  We're staring down it's barrel? It's right around the corner? It's coming around the mountain? Whatever! I'm almost there! 

I saw my midwife who was very pleasant.  She is the mother of twin girls, now aged 22.  She delivered them vaginally.  She said that I have a higher chance of vaginal delivery because our twins are fraternal.  That's nice to hear, but I'm not making any plans.  I'm open to whatever needs to happen, I think.  Our next appointment is with Dr. R in about 4 weeks when we will hopefully find out the genders of moo and foo.  They have new names every few days.  This is fun for me.

Something comedic happened to me while we were having breakfast with friends mid road trip.  These friends are very special to us especially because they are our trusted source for all  information pregnancy and parenting.  They have a 7 month old.  My favorite piece of advice so far: Forget the organic onsies.  Totally.  

Oh yeah, so what happened to me...we were having a totally normal and calm conversation in the restaurant about the ups and downs of cloth diapering when my friend uttered a statement like, "at first, you're changing so many diapers and laundry is impossible...".  With that, a switch flipped in my brain and a sense of sheer and unadulterated terror came over me.  Twins!!!??? Laundry???!!! I won't be able to do it!!!! It's too late!!!! Who the hell thought we should have babies??!! I began to tremble.  My heart was pounding.  My lip began to quiver.  My arms were not attached to my body.  My eyes welled up and I said, "I'm terrified!!!!", which I was at the moment.  The crew was very supportive. Emotional me had to make an instant decision: buck up or fall out on the restaurant floor.  I chose to buck up.  I realized later that I had a genuine, if very brief, panic attack, which I feel lucky to say I've never had before.  Pure fear.  I have not had the feeling since, but I would not be too surprised if it happened again once or twice before these two arrive.  I can see it happening at my work baby shower, or when we set up the nursery.  Way too real. 

After that, and after our trip, I went into full on planning mode.  Lists within lists.  I feel like we don't have much time.  Only about 5 or 6 months.  I've been in a stupor for the past 3 months and they passed in a blur, so will the next 5, I have to assume.  

In retrospect, the mini panic attack feels like a right of passage.  Ceremonial.  It sparked something in me.  

12 weeks

We had our super fun nuchal translucency scan on Tuesday.  They don't give us our final results (our actual risk for major defects) for a couple of weeks but the tech and our OB, Dr. R, said that everything looked "nice and average".  Thank you very much, I will take average.  Meeting Dr. R was actually a surprise.  We didn't know he would be there.  It turns out, he is like the head of some secret ultrasound medicine society and the head of perinatology and has a super, super kind manner.  We, parents-to-be, take thee, Dr. R, as our high risk OB, to have and to hold...do you think he would consider moving in with us? I love this guy already.

The ultrasound was really cool.  The babies are pretty well formed and "moving around like circus children", per the tech.  Gregg thought this was hilarious.  A quick aside: my fellow pregnant infertile over at Conceive This, a blog I obsessively follow which is found in my "lifelines" link list, recently posted an entry about quickening.  I have to say that I have felt baby A , who is closer to my groin, pretty regularly for about 2 weeks, and baby B, less frequently, for about 10 days.  It definitely does not feel like gas, and definitely does feel like goldfish flipping and tickling in there.  Bizarre.  I love it.

Anyway.  Both babies have nasal bones, 2 arms and 2 legs, stomachs, hearts, spines, brains.  All excellent things to have if you plan on living on planet earth as a human being.  We saw one rubbing his/her eye.  I never thought I'd say this but, it was totally, totally cute.  I know it's too early, but I could swear one had Gregg's big square head and one had my more roundish head.  It will be interesting to see. Okay, I'll admit it:  little tears squeezed out of my eyes when I saw them and I was grinning like a village idiot the entire time.  Apologies to any village idiots.  I'm talking about village idiots of yesteryear anyway, not current ones.  

 I got my first gender hunch, probably risky but who cares? I know that we will not know for sure for 6 more weeks, if then, but I really, really, really think at least one is a girl.  I Googled "very early genital development and detection" and I swear I saw a "genital tubercle parallel to the spine" on baby B, which could mean girl.  Baby A wouldn't show the goods, and Dr. R just said , "well, could be" and wouldn't commit, but it was sort of with a wink.  I guess with all of that research, my thinking Baby B is a girl qualifies as more than a hunch, but I can't buy girly stuff based on a guess.  We're not hoping for any particular gender, as long as each is fully one or the other anatomically.  These are things pediatric healthcare providers worry about.  There is this $35 pee in a cup to find out the gender thing at the drug store and it apparently works for fraternal  twins too, but if we did it, the results would have to be taken with a large grain of salt.  That's a lot of money for what could be as valid as a party game.

It is again past 1:30 am.  I cannot post my ultrasound pics right now because the scanner is too loud.  Also, they only gave us one super good profile of baby B, and just one of the top of baby A's head.  I know that the purpose of the the scan is to look for serious problems, not for photographs...but...well, darn.  I have a quick visit with the NP next Tuesday then another ultrasound (the official anatomy scan) in 6 very long weeks.  

Sleeping from 8 pm to 12:30 am and then 3:30 am to 6:30 am is working out for me, except for the tip-toeing thing.  Our washing machine is defunct, so I can't do laundry (a situation rapidly becoming dire down here on the farm but soon to be remedied) and I can never seem to knit in these early hours, although I think it would be ideal.  I think it's because I think I'll actually return to bed and fall asleep, so I don't want to get too involved.  Then again, here I am, tippity-tapping on the keyboard blah blah blah.