13 weeks

While we're not exactly in the second trimester, we can see it from the doorstep, so to speak.  We're staring down it's barrel? It's right around the corner? It's coming around the mountain? Whatever! I'm almost there! 

I saw my midwife who was very pleasant.  She is the mother of twin girls, now aged 22.  She delivered them vaginally.  She said that I have a higher chance of vaginal delivery because our twins are fraternal.  That's nice to hear, but I'm not making any plans.  I'm open to whatever needs to happen, I think.  Our next appointment is with Dr. R in about 4 weeks when we will hopefully find out the genders of moo and foo.  They have new names every few days.  This is fun for me.

Something comedic happened to me while we were having breakfast with friends mid road trip.  These friends are very special to us especially because they are our trusted source for all  information pregnancy and parenting.  They have a 7 month old.  My favorite piece of advice so far: Forget the organic onsies.  Totally.  

Oh yeah, so what happened to me...we were having a totally normal and calm conversation in the restaurant about the ups and downs of cloth diapering when my friend uttered a statement like, "at first, you're changing so many diapers and laundry is impossible...".  With that, a switch flipped in my brain and a sense of sheer and unadulterated terror came over me.  Twins!!!??? Laundry???!!! I won't be able to do it!!!! It's too late!!!! Who the hell thought we should have babies??!! I began to tremble.  My heart was pounding.  My lip began to quiver.  My arms were not attached to my body.  My eyes welled up and I said, "I'm terrified!!!!", which I was at the moment.  The crew was very supportive. Emotional me had to make an instant decision: buck up or fall out on the restaurant floor.  I chose to buck up.  I realized later that I had a genuine, if very brief, panic attack, which I feel lucky to say I've never had before.  Pure fear.  I have not had the feeling since, but I would not be too surprised if it happened again once or twice before these two arrive.  I can see it happening at my work baby shower, or when we set up the nursery.  Way too real. 

After that, and after our trip, I went into full on planning mode.  Lists within lists.  I feel like we don't have much time.  Only about 5 or 6 months.  I've been in a stupor for the past 3 months and they passed in a blur, so will the next 5, I have to assume.  

In retrospect, the mini panic attack feels like a right of passage.  Ceremonial.  It sparked something in me.