32 weeks

First of all, it's 3:30 in the morning. I really though I would sleep well tonight because we actually managed a trip to the beach today, a field trip to nature that left me too energized.

We went to the doctor yesterday. The babies are estimated to be 4#15 ounces and 4#10 ounces. This is over 9 pounds of baby. The cervix is high thick and tightly shut, a reason to hope that nothing exciting will happen in the next 2 weeks. They are breathing in there. They have hair. The tech said in her hilariously dry way, "They have hair", then after a moment, "They have a lot of hair" then, "Oh, they're hippies." This made us chuckle in the room, and then hysterical in the car. Gregg says that the presence of hair makes them more real to him, and he got really excited about seeing it. We cannot tell if it is curly or straight. One was sucking his thumb.

We return in 2 weeks, then the appointments go to weekly non-stress testing/ biophysical profiles. They're both still breech and I cannot imagine either of them turning now. They seem locked into position, but we could be surprised. I'm not going to try any of the tricks to get them to turn, as I would feel awful in a headstand right now and really bad for putting ice on their heads. Although I sing James Taylor songs to them daily, they really like it when I listen to Beck.

Yesterday we also went to Toys-r-Us to exchange a gift. That is a scary place. The tantrums going on in there were frightening. It smelled awful. The lighting? Reprehensible. They sell some grocery items there, which I didn't know and now wish I could unknow. Strangely, in a fit of parental...something...we signed up for the rewards card the cashier offered us and vowed only to use it online and to bring the boys there never. Never, ever. I think in the future we might have to buy games and puzzles and dolls and balls and bikes and on and on and on, that's why the card. Frankly, they will mostly be required to learn to knit, sew, make stuff out of stuff around the house and generally choose their own adventure with the abundance of stuff already around the homestead, but who's going to supply the soccer ball? The whiffle ball set? Toys are stupid us. Unless someone around here decides to make a football from scratch, which wouldn't surprise me.

Oh, the rambly insomniac brain.

I've been home for about a week. I had an unexpected and blessedly brief identity crisis about 3 days in. It was of the "who am I? what category do I fit into?" variety that comes with a major imminent life change such as parenthood. My step mother said, "you're going to know exactly who you are in a few weeks." Wise words. I'm really glad I woke up the next day feeling relatively normal. I have the typical mini-panics about developmental delay, syndromes and disorders, sudden emergency, loss. I can talk myself down pretty quickly from this type now, because they've been occurring since conception. Frankly, there is nothing we could do about any of these things except manage them as they happen and all of these things are rare compared to rates of good outcomes.

We've been watching pregnancy and parenting related dramas and comedies lately. I was going to save my review for the end of the marathon, but I can't entirely wait because we saw one really great movie this week and one really terrible movie this week. The good one was as good as the bad one was bad. The good: "Away We Go". Best pregnancy movie ever. I identified with way too many aspects to list here. I watched it 3 times. I'm buying the soundtrack and the DVD. Loved it. The bad: "Motherhood". It made me suicidal in way too many aspects to list here. The premise that the "intellectual" main character had not done any examination of the potential trials and tribulations of parenthood prior to having babies makes me insane. This may be the pediatric primary care provider in me reacting. I guess I'm glad to know that parenthood is not all peachy and that it will require some evolution of my self.

Whatever. Blah, blah, blah.

I packed our bag. I'm going to put it into the car on the day of our next appointment. That will be 34 weeks. That's the gestational age that one of my friends who has twins went in and they said, "go over to the hospital, we're taking them now". AAAAAH! EEEEEK!!!

Last of all, now it's 4:30 am.

31 weeks

I decided to stop working this week. I thought I could make it to May 1st, but no. The decision came in a sudden flash of insight after seeing a patient's mom who I thought was about 20 weeks pregnant but revealed that she was actually due in 10 days and "miserable". I thought, "self, what the hell are you doing here? Home with you!" as I realized I am about 3 times her size. I'm having a hard time walking, even though the babies are still riding high. I can't get dressed without a big to-do. I told my boss and my co-workers that I was done and I actually cried quite a bit. Even though I plan to return to work in the Fall, the me that returns will be much changed.

Gregg pointed out that I have been working pretty much non-stop since I was 14 years old. This will be my longest period of unemployment. Illegal underaged dishwasher, fast food girl, waitress, waitress, waitress, lab rat, library worker, donation solicitor, caviar quality control in Alaska, retail, retail, retail, CNA, CNA, RN, NP. Onward to the job of motherhood. He sweetly said he was very proud of me for making it this far and also pointed out that three or four twin moms we know from the clinic had bed rest from 24 weeks on. That would have stunk. I had a dream that night that I was running anchor for a relay team and almost winning when I looked down at my belly and realized that I was hugely pregnant. I finished, but I'm not sure if my team won or not. Last leg of the race. Cue tears.

Thankfully, I am not "miserable". I am not "sick of being pregnant". I am really grateful for not having these feelings right now, but I know they could come. Mostly, I want to stay pregnant for the next 5 weeks minimum.

I have my knitting, my birth hypnotherapy training, audiobooks, npr, the internet, slow trips to the patio and garden to sit in the sun, and thinking and hoping. I can only read sitting up, not lying on my side, which makes me want a kindle reader. I just discovered that I can watch tv on the iphone, which is probably not a good thing. I have a hard time reading on my side from the iphone because it flip flops from landscape to page view inconveniently.

Something happened that really made me so happy yesterday...maybe to much information, but as a lactation consultant, no one can really blame me for getting excited about it. My breasts began to leak colostrum. Just a little. No pads needed yet, but one can dream. I read that I might need a larger bra size! Having purchased my first real-ish bras only about 8 months ago, this is truly a dream come true.

Okay babies, we're in the home stretch. Please stay in for 35 more days at least.

Thanks! Love, your mum and dad.

30 weeks

Oh the fog. When the last hour of my last full day of work arrived, I couldn't do it. I had to go upstairs and take a nap. Suddenly, I'm very, very tired. Blindingly tired. I thought it was some esoteric phase of late pregnancy, like a trance, as in "the maternal trance". Mais non. It is just fatigue. The half days are great, but I'm not sure I can stay upright with my eyes open and my brain functioning for 4 hours straight at this point. I saw one of my favorite families yesterday in the clinic. They have had 4 babies in 5 years. She took one look at me yesterday and said: I know where you are right now. (Except, we're in the south, and what she said verbatim was, "I know where yerrat"). Patients have actually stopped pumping me with questions. They finally have sympathy. The "conversation" is now down to about 5 a day and my retort to the statement "ohyou'repregnant!!!!" is now a curt, "yup", and people seem to sense not to go any further.

The shopping is done. Now it is just packages arriving and arranging stuff and putting away stuff and making sure smoke detectors work and everything. I've washed some newborn and preemie stuff and all of the linens.

I'm planning on packing a bag to leave in the car tomorrow, just in case. May 20- June 2 is my mantra, but we cannot ignore the potential for emergency (and tragedy as well).

I've put things in the living room that will be there when GG and Mo arrive. Actually, on this point: Gregg was all, "can we put that stuff away?" and I was all,"are you in denial of what's about to occur here?" (except I didn't say my part out loud). My thinking is for us to get used to the baby gear in the heretofore adult space. His thinking is probably, "we have to look at this junk for the next year, and then other junk for years on end, so why do it sooner than we have to?" I am of both minds, really. I'm a preparer, he's a deal-with-it-in-the-momenter.

Gregg is supposed to be reading about labor so that he can help me without passing out if we get to go naturally. I'm reading about sleep training twins. He asked me if I bought anything that we didn't need for years on end (he knows how far in advance my preparation can go), and I said no, but then I realized I did buy one thing...a book about how to raise emotionally intelligent children. It has about 2 paragraphs about infancy, but it really is focused on toddlers and up, obviously I guess.

There is a bluebird family nesting right outside of the nursery window, and when I lay down in bed, I can watch the mom and dad come and go endlessly preparing the nest. It's very poignant. We're the same, except we have packages from amazon in our beaks, not dog fur and dried grass. Although babies probably wouldn't mind a bed made of dog fur and hay.

The roses, wisteria and azaleas are in full bloom. It's all very beautiful.

Some pics, as promised...

Gregg's lovely wall hanging. It made me cry.

This makes me cry too.

This will be put away tomorrow. Or I'll cry.

The closet isn't so bad!

Bluebird house. They nest. We nest.

30 gigantic weeks.

I remember 18 weeks

29 weeks

I've been to Paris. Madrid. Vancouver. Boise. This week though, I had an experience that will forever remain a highlight of my existence...I got to drive the motorized cart thingy at Target. I wondered for a while why everyone was smiling at me on my trip through, but then I realized I had a big grin on my face the entire time. I took out a few end-of-the-aisle products, knocked into a few corners and walls, but luckily, no humans were injured. My sister was with me and she provided assistance that I didn't even realize I needed at this point. I recommend bringing an experienced parent, and I mean a parent with children under the age of 5, on baby shopping expeditions. They know everything. It was fun pointing at stuff and having someone else put it into a cart. That! That! That! Very fun. I'm not sure why I thought doing it all myself was a good idea.

Our baby shower was a hoot. We got a lot of clothing, but not many basics (hence the trip to Target). We played a game that consisted of having to guess which candy bar was melted in the diaper. This was hilarious. Melted chocolate in a diaper is an amazingly effective poo mimic. One was a Baby Ruth. Peanutty! My brother-in-law won that game. My Dad won the "how big is the belly" game by measuring his own. He is only 1 inch bigger circumference-wise. This reminds me that I'm not sure I will catch up to my Father-in-law's belly circumference, even with 8 weeks (+/-) to go. I'm at 44.5 inches, and the challenge is 52 inches.

We have named our children, but, for now, the most I'm going to post is "GG" and "Mo". These would be their real nicknames if we go that route. I'm not exactly sure why I'm not yet posting their true names. It feels complicated emotionally. We have shared the names with family and friends and I have even started telling strangers and patients. The only negative commentary I received was from a 5 year old patient with a speech-impediment who said "weeod". (To which the mother corrected, "it's 'weird' honey. and they're not weird, they're different".) I of course am bound by law not to reveal his dumb ol' name. For reals though, I didn't mind the comment. It was just funny. And we're quite sure people are leveling some heavy name critique out of earshot. Luckily, they're our babies and we don't care. Yay!

We are in between computers right now, the new one is not fully online but it has all of our most recent pictures on it, so no pictures this week, but probably next! I'll do my best.

This weekend is the semi-semi-final nursery set up. It looks like a mountain of presents with a crib in it right now. I'm not sure what we would have done if we had just started setting up the nursery. It takes a long time, a lot of effort and an incredible amount of dough. I've enjoyed every minute of it. Gregg made an incredibly beautiful and sweet wall hanging that I can't wait to post. What a guy.

The babies were 3 pounds each at their last ultrasound, measuring in the 72nd percentile and 1 week ahead of their gestational age. This seems good. They looked downright plump, but I know how scrawny they still are. Next one is not for a few more weeks.

I'm feeling the end. Today is my last full day at work. Then 4 weeks of 1/2 days, if I can stay on my feet. It's hard hauling around 195 pounds. I'm very, very slow.

I think there is at least one more big Target trip in my future. My shiny red motorized chariot awaits. Gregg will have to come with to do my bidding. Hark! Is that an obnoxious beeping sound? Oh, back up beep...I long for thee.

I used the back up function gratuitously just to hear the beep. I admit it. Yeah, whole aisles. Repeatedly.