7 weeks

We had our first ultrasound today at long last.  The verdict? Twins!  We're expecting twins.  They are well placed and have strong heartbeats.  We're really excited.  I keep singing "2 little monkeys jumping on the bed".  I also imagine them in there with little walkie-talkies having conversations like this:

Twin A: "Baby Bird, Baby Bird, come in Baby Bird, do you read me?"

Twin B: "I read you loud and clear Lil' Star." 

Twin A: "Let's arrive at 38 weeks, over."

Twin B: "Copy that, June 2nd, 2010 it is, over."

Twin A: "Let's both be head down for this, over."

Twin B: "Roger wilco. Over and out."

Nah, you're right. They probably don't need walkie-talkies. 

Anyway, I'm super nauseous.  Now the nausea I experience from walking across the room qualifies as motion sickness.  I feel lucky that it's not a 24 hour puke-fest around here especially with twins, but that doesn't ease the nausea.  My sense of smell is in overdrive.  No melted butter.  No peanut butter.  I was into onions, but now not so much.  I purchased some sea bands yesterday which seem to help.  Gregg has renamed them my "wonder bands" because they do remotely resemble Wonder Woman's wristy cuffs.  

I had to buy some maternity clothes today because the belly is bigger already.  I've gained 2 pounds.  The clothing situation was getting dire.  

Here is the ultrasound.  Dr. B couldn't get a good picture of both and I forgot who is who and which side is up.  They're measuring on time and at about .77 cm each.  They have such a long way to go, and a lot could go wrong but I'm still mostly ignoring the poo-poo info about twin gestation.  Que sera, sera.  

6 weeks

"What were you doing in the kitchen at 3:00 this morning?" you might inquire if you were visiting me.  "Why, I was making hard boiled eggs and eating them with caperberries, because we're totally out of pickles",  I would reply.  "Oh, of course!", you would return. 

The motion sickness has reached a new level this week.  I have to carefully consider which car I choose to ride in, whether I'm the driver or not.   The Mini is good because it doesn't have a nauseating new car smell, but the bumpy ride is almost not worth it.  Now the queasy lasts for about an hour after I exit the vehicle.  I rounded at the hospital today and while I received report from the floor nurses the only thing on my mind was, "don't barf on them, because that's not really nice".  It really made me wonder how many times I've been unknowingly in the presence of "one who may vomit on my shoes at any moment".  Probably a lot.  Probably you have as well.  I'm surprised there are not women spewing everywhere at all times a la Stand by Me.  

I've had a couple of brief episodes of moderate quantities of yucky brown sludgy discharge in the past two days, but no cramping and no bright red blood, so Sue said it's okay.  Probably old blood from implantation.  I get to stop my daily aspirin though.  Gregg informed me after this episode that he loved me, but that he needed to move to Puerto Rico for the next 8 months because the stress of worrying about me is starting to qualify him for insanity.  It's funny really because I'm not stressed at all.  I'm just queasy.  The ultrasound is in 8 days.  He says he'll feel better after the ultrasound.  I will too.  It's just that, again, I cannot worry today about something I cannot know until 8 days from now.  I know that the potential exists for us not to see what we think we're going to see and that we will feel really sad if things aren't good.  For now though, I'm just knocked up and so far so good and all of that.

And you know, my pants are getting too tight, which took me a few days to admit to myself.  I refuse to buy bigger clothes and scrubs and stuff at least until the ultrasound.  If it is good, I will invest more on every level, so the pants are just going to have to last another week.  This superstition hasn't stopped me from ogling stuff like knitting patterns and car seats and strollers and cloth diapers online though.  Ah, I just realized  another superstition...I have decided not to start any baby knitting projects until 2nd trimester at least.  Then, if all is well, it's on.  

Oh my god, I just realized that I actually have other superstitions, all blog related.  No widgets unless good ultrasound, no changing "profile" or "about me" info.  No changing the subtitle of GroupSex to "a pregnant after IVF blog".  Nonono.  I guess I'm more with Gregg on the "this is not real or worth planning for until the ultrasound" attitude than I thought.  Oh the damage infertility inflicts...sheesh.  8 more days.  

 

Dear Blog, (or, 5 weeks pregnant)

I'm not sure how to transition from "active IVF cycle blogger" to "pregnant after IVF blogger".  I know this is something that all infertile bloggers go through, so I know that I am normal.  I sort of feel paralyzed right now because I know that the numbers say that I'm pregnant, but I'm not feeling it that much and I often return to a state of disbelief.  I read that all pregnant women feel this way initially and that it's not unique to the formerly infertile.  

So I've been thinking about how to structure the blog if this pregnancy is real (don't laugh, what if it's not?), which I think I will really know on 10/29 when we have our first ultrasound.  

First of all, it might be a boring once a week post unless things are exciting.  Honestly, I hope they are not exciting because no one wants an exciting pregnancy, especially if twins are expected. Second of all , yeah, see "first of all".  See? It's already boring! (hahaha!)

Actually, I do have a few symptoms.  They are sort of boring though.  I have mild motion sickness, which I've never had in my life.  I feel really bad for those who deal with this frequently.  Driving myself doesn't help.  I've begun sleeping really, really well again.  I have slightly puffier, but sore breasts.  The most recent symptom though, which I didn't recognize for a few days, is an insane craving for pizza.  Actually spinach and feta pizza in particular.  I had it for lunch and dinner two days in a row.  When I couldn't get pregnant and fantasized about what I would be like as a pregnant person, I thought my cravings would be root beer and cucumbers.  I'm not sure why.  I really like root beer, and I really like cucumbers so I guess I just figured I would want more of those things.  I woke up this morning thinking anchovies are a really, really good thing to have on pizza and that I should have this for breakfast.  Alas, unavailable.  

Gregg has been hilarious this week.  He won't let me do anything too major.  Giving the stink eye to anyone who could potentially stress me out at work, even if I'm not stressed.  Hovering.  Gazing at me strangely as if I am some new creature who has moved in.  He's not sure what to do with this creature, but he just knows that he wants to protect it from everything.  Honey, it's me.  I'm just pregnant.  You're totally cute and I could cry.  He's more nauseated than I am. 

Christmas Day

Okay.  I get it.  I'm pregnant.  I actually got pretty excited today, for real.  My second beta this morning was 830.

The beta more than doubled and is well over a normal singleton value.  SuperSue said not to be concerned about twins yet because she has seen some ladies have values this high with singletons.  However, the Great Goog says twins.  Everyone with twins says twins.  I'm thinking maybe twins.

I'm just going to ignore twin pregnancy horror stories for now.  

I'm really not sure what everyone else on the planet is going to eat for the next 9 months, because my appetite is planet earth sized.  

The progesterone in oil, I think, or maybe it's pregnancy, has returned epic insomnia to my nights.  Folding laundry, eating, googling terrible twin names...

Now that it's 11 am, I need a nap.  Sleepytime.  Maybe the boobies will enlarge in the next couple of hours.  I've been waiting 3+ years for pregnancy, but about 15 years for knockers I can be proud of, knockers that might actually require a bra!  Now that would be a dream come true. My first real bra.  Awwww...

397

We recently paid some dudes at the University of Florida like 20g to make some embryos.  Then, we allowed one guy to put two of them into my uterus.  We did this with the expressed intention of becoming pregnant.  We did this on purpose.  I went to a bunch of acupuncture sessions and ate a bunch of supplements to actually increase the chances of becoming pregnant.  We are today, for some reason, totally stunned and amazed to find ourselves totally knocked up.  

The beta is 397 today.  The excitement of my family and all of our IF supporters is making my heart explode.  It's awesome.  We're still planning to remain very cautious with our joy because I just don't want to jinx this.  Saturday is our next beta.  Ultrasound on 10/29.  I hope this little star sticks around.  Little stars?  

Christmas Eve

A typical child of the 1980's, I spent some Christmases at my mom's house and some at my dad's. The tradition at my dad's house was that everyone got to open 1 present on Christmas eve. Christmas eve, by the way, was also the main extended family event and lots of people were present, but not many children. Upon one Christmas eve, I must have been 8 or 9 because my younger sister wasn't born yet [1985?], the adults were sitting around after dinner talking and my uncle Gerry began to tell a joke instantly deemed inappropriate for my ears. He was quickly hushed. My dad handed me my one present and when I opened it, it was pajamas. I pouted. My dad laughed and said, "yeah, now go put them on". I knew what was happening. I was being kicked out so that the dirty joke could be told. I already knew that I would be a gutter mouthed adult, so I thought this was unfair. I mean, I was okay with inappropriate jokes, why couldn't the adults get over it too? Sure enough, as I put on my stupid old pajamas, they were hooting and hollering down the hall. So I was annoyed. I was annoyed that my present not only sucked but also that it was used to trick me.

Well. Tomorrow is "official pregnancy test day". The serum beta hcg. It is not unlike Christmas eve.

I'll tell you what though.

This better not be another Christmas eve trick.

The chance that this is a false positive does not seem to exist, but, we're trying to remain calm and realistic. Neither of us are truly believing this unless tomorrow's numbers come back safely high, and then probably we won't even believe it then. More tomorrow. Please jump up and down for me, because I'm afraid to.

9dp3dt

It's official. Gregg is more obsessed than I am about symptoms. He called me twice at work (he was in the other office today) to ask me about them. He also has been holding forth google-style about stats and symptoms and facts in a way only infertile women can. He asked me about the boobies. I told him about the boobies. He asked me if I had any cramping. "Why yes dear, as a matter of fact I do", I said. I also reported the minor spotting I had at work today after which he became nervous. But, you know, spotting...and cramping...not necessarily a bad sign. I'm not getting my hopes up though. Also, I'm essentially 12 days post ovulation, and during my natural cycles, my period usually starts 13 days after ovulation...but this cycle is not my own so I don't really understand much about when the period would come. I mean, are "they" still in control? The progesterone helps stave off the period for a bit, but it's not a sure-fire staver-offer of periods. Hunger and hotflashes and night 2 of insomnia.

2 more days. Actually, sort of 4 more days because they do 2 pregnancy tests 2 days apart to see if the pregnancy hormone is increasing properly.

Deadwood in the dvd player...

8dp3dt

I returned to my virus infested, snot filled work today. It wasn't so bad. The week off has made me a distinctly nicer provider of healthcare. What is really nice about my job though is the lab coat I get to wear. I like it because I can check the boobs pretty inconspicuously. I have to say...they're a little different. I'm also still insanely hungry. I ate 2 lunches today. I invoked the evil goddess insomnia yesterday by pointing out that I have not been having any trouble sleeping...so of course I was up eating and googling from 3am to 5am. The progesterone shots are going well. I have some cute little bruises on my rear. We're hoping for 4 more weeks of this daily shot in the butt stuff. Sexy.

I have decided not to pee on a stick until the morning of the official pregnancy test. I am just not really sure how to deal with the result, so I'm just going with the flow, so to speak. Of course, I reserve the right to change my mind in the next 48 hours.

3 days to go. Then...if we are knocked up, we have to make it through a pregnancy. This is the sobering fact. Positive pregnancy tests don't equal babies sometimes. For now, I like not having to worry about that for a few more days at least.

3 days to go!

7dp3dt

Am I? Am I not? Am I? Am I not? I am. No I'm not. Maybe. Never. Am I? Am I not? What are we going to name them? They don't exist! What are they going to look like? They're not coming! Will it be 2? Will it be 1? What if it's 3 or 4? Am I? Am I not? PEE ON A STICK! DON"T PEE ON A STICK! GO FOR A WALK! DON'T MOVE! Do not laugh too hard. Don't eat so much garlic! Don't sniff that flower! Don't! Do! The grape juice you drank 4 days ago killed 'em for sure. Is that a cramp? Please be a cramp. Boob check. Boob check. Boob check. Whatever you do, don't sneeze, tra-la! They'll come flying out, tra-la!

Yeah. One flew over alright.

Wonderful day yesterday. Gregg took me to Marjorie K. Rawlings' homestead. She's the famous Florida author of "Cross Creek" and "The Yearling" and what not...which I promise to read after I finish my other 3 books. We have been there once before but this time we got a house tour. It was great. Very inspiring. She was from up north too, and became entranced with Florida after visiting one March during orange blossom season. Who wouldn't want to live in an orange grove during blossom season?
Then we went to the best pizza place in the state...Satchel's in Gainesville. I cannot believe we've never been there. It has a five and dime and a salvage yard in the back. If you visit us, you will go there.
Then we went to the movies! We saw the new Ricky Gervais movie which kept me at a low grade giggle for 2 hours. Then we ate ice cream.
It was the best day ever.

My only hopeful symptom really is that I've been sleeping like the dead for the past 3 nights. No insomnia. Epic dreams. I'm not sleepy enough during the day though...not taking my usual naps...so this is probably the explanation.

Boob check.

6dp3dt

Go go gadget defense mechanism. Pessimism. Sobbing. Planning for the next cycle. Mind overcome by insane, irrational heartache. Google says, no symptoms necessary for a positive, Blahblahblah.
Gregg smartly planned a day of fun for us today. I don't know what it includes, but he is so good, I might forget for a moment...
I have to do the sobbing thing this weekend because I go back to work on Monday. Pregnancy test on Thursday. Bracing myself.
urrgggh.

Okay, it's 10 minutes later.

I feel better. Yeah, I'm really, really not supposed to feel anything yet. But I really have to be very clear with myself this weekend...this really may not work. And that's okay. I've got my eye on a gaudy, expensive, totally not my style piece of jewelry that will be mine if this fails. And I sort of like the idea that I may not have to be pregnant in a pediatric office during the H1N1 thing. And I like the idea that my embryos will have forever come from a 32 year old...this means we can hold off on another try for a while...pay off this cycle...go to europe...yes, I will survive if this cycle is a bust.

A-Ok!

Mother nature is so raunchy.

5dp3dt

Oh the obsession. It's in full swing. It's on. It's raging. I woke up at 5:30 am, thristy and hungry for yogurt and dried plums. Why? I am a mere mortal and cannot answer such deep questions. Since I've got nothing better to do at 5:30 am...well...there's the internet. I'm a bit frustrated because I cannot seem to respond to your comments. I apologize for that. I would like the "what is the embryo doing now" thingy that Simple mentioned, can you post the website please? Thank you in advance. I haven't any symptoms. Nary a symptom. Sans symptoms. Nada symptoms. Zilch. Nine. Kine. Nope. However, I read somewhere, probably on another blog, that the average pee on a stick positive in this situation is 10dp3dt. So, I'm not overly concerned. Just. Well. Impatient. And I'm not POASing until at least Sunday...7dp3dt...I think.

4dp3dt

I woke up this morning knowing that the trigger shot has left my body entirely.  I only had to take half of the amount that is usually given because my estrogen was so high, but it still took 9 days to leave my system.  I know it's gone because I slept all night without getting up to pee and my boobies, what little I have, are back to normal.  They don't hurt at all.  I figure that at least I might know if I'm producing real hcg if they start hurting again.  I'm glad to see that people don't have symptoms at this stage.  I so wish that I did.  A cramp.  A poke.  A wave of nausea.  Passing out.  

I am left with one progesterone symptom.  Hunger.  Food is on my mind.  Cupcakes. Ziti with meatballs. Tapioca pudding for some reason.  Steak.  Kale with garlic. Cream of Wheat. Hot chocolate with whipped cream.  I figured I should take my higher iron prenatal.  In spite of this ravenous hunger, I have lost like 10 pound since egg retrieval.  They put 2 liters of fluid in me that day.  Before retrieval I weighed 140 and after 146.  They told me to tell them if I gained 3-5 pounds "over the next few days"...I decided to pretend that they wouldn't care about the 6 pounds I gained that very same day.  Anyway, it's gone now.  I peed gallon upon gallon this week and now I weigh less than when we started this whole thing.  I did not develop ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. 

Some bloggers do not post embryo pics because if the cycle fails, then the photo won't be there to remind them.  I seriously contemplated this.  I totally get it.  Actually, some clinics don't even give you the photo unless it works.  Right now, having a photo of embryos hanging around the house is kind of cool, even if they don't make it.  It is kind of strange gazing at the photo thinking, "stay, stay!" while also thinking "forget you then!".  I don't know though, I may have an embryo photo burial ceremony to officially let them go if needed...the image will remain on the computer...so complex.  

The embryologist says that these are grade A textbook 8 celled 3 day blastomeres.  She said not to worry about the thick oval shaped zona on the one, it has nothing to do with the 8 cells inside.  It might be that that one is closer to the camera too.